Memories of My Brother
My elder brother has helped me register and get everything into my dormitory. It is time for him to leave. Due to two days' toil and lack of sleep he looked a bit worn. His hair was in a mess; his eyes were slightly swollen. He took out all his money and pressed it into my handbag, except 200 hundred yuan his returning fare.
"I have enough money for this semester. I don't need it,"said I.
"The living cost in Shanghai is so high. It will come in very handy. Besides, it's cold and damp in winter here, so you'd better buy a warm and thick coat," he said in a hoarse voice.
I nodded, tears welling into my eyes.
With a smile, he encouragingly patted me on the shoulder and said; "Don't cry, enjoy your campus life but don't forget to work hard."
簡(jiǎn) 評(píng)
何樣菊同學(xué)的這篇作文雖然不長(zhǎng)，但情真意切。字里行間洋溢著兄妹之間的深情厚誼。對(duì)于記敘哥哥送她上大學(xué)這段經(jīng)歷時(shí)，作者只截取了最后分別的一段，因而顯得重點(diǎn)突出。作者沒有用煽情的詞句和動(dòng)人的語(yǔ)言，但通過(guò)對(duì)人物的細(xì)節(jié)描寫，如外貌、表情等，就很好地渲染出了兄長(zhǎng)對(duì)妹妹的無(wú)私關(guān)懷。
作者的語(yǔ)言地道，用詞精煉生動(dòng)，顯示了作者不凡的語(yǔ)言功底。作者對(duì)文體知識(shí)也有較好的了解，在交談中使用了一些口語(yǔ)中的詞匯和詞組，顯得人物對(duì)話更加親切生動(dòng)，真實(shí)可信。
作者在這篇短文中不僅融入了自己的真情實(shí)感，而且運(yùn)用了靈活的寫作技巧，使文章顯得光彩奪目，是一篇不可多得的佳作。
(點(diǎn)評(píng)教師：孫東云)