高中英語(yǔ)作文點(diǎn)評(píng)：No Pains, No Gains

　　高州中學(xué) 梁冠華     在最近的一次作文訓(xùn)練中，我讓學(xué)生寫(xiě)了下面的一篇作文：請(qǐng)以“no pains, no gains”為題寫(xiě)一篇作文。寫(xiě)作提示：解釋諺語(yǔ)；舉例說(shuō)明；結(jié)論。詞數(shù)：150—250。     學(xué)生的習(xí)作如下：no pains, no gains     as we all know, “no pains, no gains” is an influential proverb stressing the importance of hard working. it tells us that only by working hard can we achieve our goals, and on the contrary, the one who is lazy will never gain the things he wants.     li yundi is a famous pianist in the world. most of us are amazed at his perfect performance, but few of us know how much time and energy he has spent in practising. he started playing the piano when he was only 5 years old. he never gave up practising even though he met difficulties. when other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching tv, he was playing the piano, totally absorbed in the beautiful music. he also took part in many competitions to improve his skills. finally, he became world-famous when he won the champion in chopin international piano competition, which is one of the best-known piano competitions in the world. and he is the first chinese pianist to receive such a great honour.     li yundi would never become so successful if he didn’t practise so hard. and we wouldn’t gain what we want if we didn’t work hard. no pains, no gains. (209 words)     這是一篇好作文，好在哪里？在高中階段，作文是好還是不好，評(píng)判標(biāo)準(zhǔn)是這篇文章在考試中是否能拿高分。在高考中，作文是否能獲得高分，主要看兩方面：一是語(yǔ)言，二是內(nèi)容。     一、首先，我們看看這篇作文在語(yǔ)言表達(dá)方面的情況：     1、句子無(wú)錯(cuò)誤     通觀整篇文章，句子沒(méi)有錯(cuò)誤，或者說(shuō)評(píng)卷老師在幾十秒內(nèi)很難找出錯(cuò)誤。避免語(yǔ)法和拼寫(xiě)的低級(jí)錯(cuò)誤，避免被扣印象分，是學(xué)生在寫(xiě)作文時(shí)要做的首要事情。語(yǔ)言表達(dá)無(wú)錯(cuò)誤是作文拿高分的前提，是好文章的基本標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。     2、使用了較多的復(fù)合句     這篇文章用了12個(gè)從句，從而構(gòu)成了大量的復(fù)合句：     (1)as we all know, “no pains, no gains” is an influential proverb stressing the importance of hard working.     (2)it tells us that only by working hard can we achieve our goals.     (3)…the one who is lazy will never gain the things he wants.     (4)…few of us know how much time and energy he has spent in practising.     (5)he started playing the piano when he was only 5 years old.     (6)he never gave up practising even though he met difficulties.     (7)when other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching tv, he was playing the piano…     (8)finally, he became world-famous when he won the champion in chopin international piano competition, which is one of the best-known piano competitions in the world.     (9)li yundi would never become so successful if he didn’t practise so hard.     (10) and we wouldn’t gain what we want if we didn’t work hard.     整篇文章共有13個(gè)句子，學(xué)生用了12個(gè)從句，表現(xiàn)出運(yùn)用語(yǔ)言的高水平。高考評(píng)卷老師有一個(gè)默認(rèn)的傾向，給比較多地恰當(dāng)?shù)剡\(yùn)用主從復(fù)合句的文章打高分。     3、句式多種多樣     (1)有9個(gè)詞的簡(jiǎn)單句短句：li yundi is a famous pianist in the world.     (2)有25個(gè)詞的復(fù)合句長(zhǎng)句：when other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching tv, he was playing the piano, totally absorbed in the beautiful music.     (3)有分詞短語(yǔ)結(jié)構(gòu)：...an influential proverb stressing the importance of hard working./ when other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching tv, he was playing the piano, totally absorbed in the beautiful music.     (4)有動(dòng)名詞結(jié)構(gòu)：he started playing the piano when he was only 5 years old./ he never gave up practising even though he met difficulties.     (5)有倒裝句結(jié)構(gòu)：it tells us that only by working hard can we achieve our goals...     (6)有虛擬語(yǔ)氣結(jié)構(gòu)：li yundi would never become so successful if he didn’t practise so hard./ and we wouldn’t gain what we want if we didn’t work hard.     這位學(xué)生采用多樣化的句式進(jìn)行表達(dá)，顯示出較強(qiáng)的語(yǔ)言功底，大大提高了作文的檔次。     4、使用關(guān)聯(lián)詞銜接句子     (1) ...and on the contrary, the one who is lazy will never gain the things he wants.     (2) ...but few of us know how much time and energy he has spent in practising.     (3) he also took part in many competitions to improve his skills.     (4) finally, he became world-famous...     (5) and he is the first chinese pianist...     (6) and we wouldn’t gain what we want...     通過(guò)使用順序(finally)、并列(and)、轉(zhuǎn)折(but, on the contrary)、補(bǔ)充(also)、說(shuō)明、強(qiáng)調(diào)、因果、結(jié)論等連接詞，進(jìn)行句子和段落的銜接與拓展，使文章流暢和一氣呵成，從而獲得較高的評(píng)分。這位學(xué)生嫻熟地運(yùn)用了這些寫(xiě)作手段。     5、句子平均用詞量顯示較強(qiáng)的語(yǔ)言功底     全文13個(gè)句子，用詞209個(gè)，平均每個(gè)句子用詞16個(gè)。據(jù)統(tǒng)計(jì)，現(xiàn)代英語(yǔ)寫(xiě)作，專業(yè)寫(xiě)手每個(gè)句子的平均用詞量是20—25個(gè)，而這位學(xué)生的平均用詞量達(dá)到16個(gè)，雖然不及專業(yè)寫(xiě)手，但也顯示出較強(qiáng)的語(yǔ)言功底，與專業(yè)寫(xiě)手平均用詞量的差距并不遙遠(yuǎn)。     二、接著，我們看看這篇作文的內(nèi)容：     這篇文章在第一段“解釋諺語(yǔ)”中寫(xiě)道：諺語(yǔ)“不勞則無(wú)獲”強(qiáng)調(diào)勤勞的重要性，只有勤勞才能實(shí)現(xiàn)目標(biāo)，懶惰的人會(huì)一事無(wú)成。學(xué)生對(duì)諺語(yǔ)的意義把握準(zhǔn)確，解釋中肯。     在第二段“舉例說(shuō)明”部分，學(xué)生寫(xiě)著名鋼琴家李云迪的成長(zhǎng)經(jīng)歷：5歲學(xué)琴，遇困難不放棄，放棄同齡人的愛(ài)好而專心練琴，參加各種比賽，獲得肖邦國(guó)際鋼琴大賽冠軍，成為國(guó)際知名鋼琴好手，是中國(guó)獲此殊榮的第一人。     在第三段“總結(jié)”部分，學(xué)生言簡(jiǎn)意賅，以“李云迪如果不如此勤奮努力就不會(huì)如此的成功”為鋪墊，作出最后總結(jié)“不勞則無(wú)獲”，回應(yīng)文章主題。     作文，尤其是考場(chǎng)作文，對(duì)內(nèi)容的取舍，一般的處理方法是這樣的：不假思索就能想到的東西，絕對(duì)不要寫(xiě)；稍加思索想到的也不要寫(xiě)；花上幾分鐘，想別人想不到的內(nèi)容來(lái)寫(xiě)。這篇文章選材與眾不同，甚至出人意料，說(shuō)明這位學(xué)生或閱讀廣泛，或生活經(jīng)歷豐富，而且深諳作文選材之道�！白x書(shū)的厚度就是作文的深度”，“作文是生活經(jīng)歷的反映”。多讀書(shū)，多參加課外活動(dòng)，多參加社會(huì)實(shí)踐活動(dòng)，是得心應(yīng)手地選材的前提。     總之，在語(yǔ)言表達(dá)方面，這篇文章有很多能獲高分的亮點(diǎn)，在內(nèi)容方面，選材獨(dú)到，符合優(yōu)秀作文的選材要求，是一篇好作文。